Just Fucking Kill Me

As we all know with depression comes thoughts of suicide, So.. If you are having any of the thoughts listed below, this guide might just be for you:

  • That oncoming car looks awfully friendly...
  • That knife can't possibly be sharp enough to slit my wrist, hmmm...
  • I wonder what will happen if i eat 10 of those...
  • I wish I had a gun...
  • Look! Rope!
  • I hate my life...
  • This cliff is definitely high enough to kill me...
  • Hey look, a knife...
  • My life is so utterly pointless...
  • Hey look, another knife!
  • I wonder how long it takes for the ambulance to get here...
  • I wonder if anyone would notice if i disappeared...
  • Life, the universe and everything...pathetic...
  • That guy is definitely speeding...hmmm...
  • I can't believe that I've gotten absolutely no where in the past two years...
  • Hey look, another fucking knife...

Other issues to keep in mind before you kill yourself:

  • Have you written a suicide note?
  • Did you put on clean underwear?
  • Did you leave plenty of food for your cat/dog/child?
  • Did you remember to update your Facebook status?
  • And above all else, remember: just fucking have fun.

Now you know that you want to commit suicide you need to pick a suitable method. Here are some helpful suggestions to get you on your way.

 

Wrist cutting
First off when cutting your wrist, be sure to pick the right tool for the job. Ideally a straight razor could be used, but a scalpel, X-Acto knife or even a regular kitchen knife will work. DO NOT use a disposable (Bic) or electric shaving razor, They will not work very well.

Example of using a incorrect cutting tool.

After selecting the proper tool you need to know the proper method. It is shown in most movies/TV shows to cut your wrist across the vein, this method will likely only land you in the hospital not the morgue.

1: Place the tip of the razor on your wrist,  with the blade facing your body. Now slash up, along the vein, towards the elbow. Make sure you slash straight up. You don't want to cut any tendons in your hand, since you'll need the use of that hand in the next step.

2: Quickly place your razor in your right hand and repeat the last step for your left forearm.

Proper cutting method.

TIP: you will be more likely to succeed if you do this while in a warm bath, this will allow the blood to flow better.

Congratulations! You have successfully slashed your wrists!

 


Hanging

Hanging yourself works by reducing the amount of oxygen reaching your brain therefore causing brain damage and eventually death. You could also even break your neck in the process! Just like it was done in the old west, this guide will show you how to hang yourself from a tree.

Most importantly you must select a good strong rope. 60% of all hanging suicides fail because the rope is too weak. DO NOT use a bungee cord or any type of elastic rope.

 

After getting the rope you must tie a correct noose, failing to do this correctly may cause you to fall and break your leg.

Instructions to tie a noose.

 

 Now that you have your noose, you need to find a good tall,sturdy tree to tie it to. It is important to remember to tie the end of the rope (the one without the noose) to a branch.

Example of person that forgot to tie the noose to the tree.

You must also remember to position yourself high enough in the tree that your feet will not touch the ground while hanging from the noose.

Proper tree hanging method from Ye olde kill yourself for dummies 1843.

Step by step instruction:

1: Get rope.

2: Tie noose.

3: Affix noose to tree.

4: put noose around neck.

5: Jump out of tree

Congratulations! You have successfully hung yourself!


Shoot yourself

While shooting yourself is a more modern method of suicide , it is one of the most popular ways to "bite the bullet" today. The most important thing to remember when shooting yourself is to make sure you shoot yourself in the head (brain specifically). Shooting ones self in any other body part besides the head will likely only cause severe injury.

You also need access to a gun (preferably a high powered hunting rifle). When i comes to choosing a gun to shoot yourself, the bigger the better (yes size does matter). There are actually guns specifically designed for shooting yourself correctly.

Suicide pistol.

When getting ready to pull the trigger take care to aim properly. if you do not hit your brain you could survive!

Self inflicted gun shot survivor.

This diagram shows the proper aiming technique to insure instantaneous death. (well most of the time anyway)

Alternative method: If for some reason you cannot acquire a gun, one can simply go to any crime ridden area and request that somebody shoot you.

Offering street thugs money will do the job.

 Step by step breakdown:

1: Get a gun.

2: Put gun to head.

3: Pull trigger.

Congratulations! You have successfully shot yourself!


 Assisted suicide

Assisted suicide is becoming more and more common practice. Scientist and medical professionals predict that by 2025 "Suicide booths" will be available on every street corner that will make suicide easier than ever.

The future (as predicted by smart people)

Unfortunately assisted suicide is illegal in most of the united states but it is legal most everywhere else in the world.

The Netherlands
Euthanasia and assisted suicide have long been legal in the Netherlands and is often practiced without the consent of the patient. Over 10,000 citizens now carry "Do Not Euthanize Me" cards in case they are admitted to a hospital unexpectedly.

Guidelines were recently adopted to allow the killing of infants with disabilities by lethal injection.

For extensive information on assisted suicide and euthanasia in the Netherlands, please click here.

Australia/New Zealand
Renowned assisted suicide and euthanasia proponent, Philip Nitschke, conducts seminars teaching older people to make their own suicide pills. He also published a self-help suicide book, offers to help older people travel to Mexico to obtain lethal drugs, here is their website that teaches people how to commit suicide. http://www.exitinternational.net/

Also you can even make your very own suicide machine!

Dr. Kevorkian commonly known as "Dr. Death" and his suicide machine.

Building your very own machine is really quite simple if you follow the plans below.

So before you kill yourself, check with your doctor. He/She may be able to assist you!

Congratulations! You have successfully euthanized yourself!

SEE FULL ASSISTED SUICIDE ON VIDEO


Other methods

Jumping off a building/cliff.

Microwave your brain.

Power tools.

So now you have all the knowledge needed to properly kill yourself!

PS: If you are still reading this you are fucking retarded....... You should be dead by now... geeze!